


TMI

by lemoninagin



Series: Informant Samba [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, M/M, a disgusting amount of innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 05:55:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4210506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoninagin/pseuds/lemoninagin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Izaya comes to Tsukumoya's chat room with an interesting question late one night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	TMI

**Orihara Izaya, reborn!**

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Orihara-san. What brings you to my chat room at such a late hour?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

....I'm sorry, I must be reading things wrong. Surely you must have made some sort of mistake.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

You know I don't make mistakes, Tsukumoya-san. 

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

That's debatable.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Look, I didn't come here for your worthless opinions, I came here for facts. And right now, this is a certain piece of information that I simply must know.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Hey, I'm just giving you the option to retract what you just asked me. This is the part where you go 'Oops, my bad. I most assuredly did _not_ just try to gather information about my arch-nemesis' intimate measurements', and then I'll say, 'Ah ha, all is forgiven Orihara-san, to err is human after all', so we can laugh it off and get down to actually important exchanges.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

This _is_ important.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

You keep saying that, and yet, my time is feeling sufficiently wasted.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Look, I'm paying you, aren't I? If you keep claiming to be the so-called best informant there is, you better live up to the name.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

And what on earth makes you think I would keep information _like that_ , on someone like Heiwajima Shizuo of all people?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Am I to take this as meaning that you don't know?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Not at all. I do, as I have access to an information network the likes of which you could only dream of. But, that doesn't mean that I can't wonder why you would even need to know such a thing. You don't even seem embarrassed about this.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

I'm afraid information about myself would cost you - and trust me - you wouldn't be able to afford it.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

You're right. I'd never waste actual resources on someone mediocre like you. In any case, chances are pretty high that you'd lie, money or not.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

So harsh~! Well then, I'm all ears!

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

...you're really serious about this, aren't you?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

You know I don't joke when it comes down to business. Plus, I thought you didn't like having your time wasted? If so, why are you stalling?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

I've suddenly remembered that I have a strict moral code to adhere to. It wouldn't be right of me to disclose personal information of that nature.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

That's funny! You disclose pretty personal information to me all the time – such as addresses, and I know you know I've definitely taken advantage of that in morally ambigious ways before.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Yes, but none of those previous exchanges were ever over someone's _genitalia_ – Dear god, did you just insinuate you would take advantage of this information in a 'morally ambigious' way?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

How you take what I say and interpret it is your own insinuation. I can't be held responsible for whatever dirty thoughts you can't help yourself from thinking.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

I must admit, those are bold words coming from the man who is asking me for the dick size of the man he claims to hate.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Oh ho, you said it outright-! But 'claims to'? Rest assured, I still hate that _monster_ very much.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

I am starting to have my doubts about that now. I understand you're probably going to reference the phrase 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer' but isn't this taking that just a little too far?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

I will go to whatever lengths are necessary, Tsukumoya-san. Don't underestimate me.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

....

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

And if you were wondering, yes, pun intended.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Please excuse me while I go wash out my brain with bleach.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Certainly, I'll be waiting here for your response whenever you're ready to do your job.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Why do you insist on perverting my chat room, Orihara-san? Can you no longer be satisfied by normal inquiries?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

How am I supposed to know if I am going to be _satisfied_ if you never actually _tell_ me? I've got to be able to picture it, at least.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

You have less than one minute to redeem yourself, or I am banning you for _at least_ twenty-four hours. This is ridiculous.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Ah, I knew it! You don't really know, do you? So you admit defeat then.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Supposing for a minute that I didn't, it's not like _you_ do. So don't think you can pull that sense of superiority nonsense over me.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Well, there's an easy enough way for me to solve that little technicality, isn't there?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Your jokes really aren't funny, Orihara-san. This is getting tiresome.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

I told you before, I'm not kidding.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

So you're just going to go over to Ikebukuro, waltz right up to the fortissimo himself, and ask him if you can measure his – no way. You're bluffing. 

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Oh, that's cute! But that would be a highly ineffective way of dealing with a brute like Shizu-chan. He'd beat me up before I got the chance to even speak! No, I was thinking more along the lines of using less words and focusing on actions – you know, persuasion of the body, that sort of thing. He's much like an animal, so I'd have to appeal to that animalistic side, you know?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Orihara-san, this is your last warning. Get serious, or get out.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Jealousy so doesn't suit you, Tsukumoya-san. If you're not going to help me, I'll have to 'help' myself.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Orihara-san. Enough.

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

Or the monster, in this case.

 

 **[Orihara Izaya** ]

Oh, that's a good metaphor actually.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

_Orihara-san._

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

You saw what I did there, right? Or did that one go over your head too?

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

...

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

I guess it did. See, monster instead of bull? 

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Are you quite done?

 

**[Orihara Izaya]**

.....and by horns, I mean his penis.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

Orihara-san!

 

**Orihara Izaya, confirmed dead!**

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

...I retract my usual statement.

 

**[Tsukumoya Shinichi]**

There clearly is such a thing as too much information.

 

♂♀

 

**[User has been temporarily banned for a period of forty eight hours. User may log back in after that time. Any attempts to log in before ban has been lifted will result in an additional twenty four hour suspension]**

The sound of maniacal laughter could be heard echoing around the large, high-rise apartment in Shinjuku.

"Wow, 48 hours! I must have really gotten under your skin this time, huh, Tsukumoya-san?"

Orihara Izaya was speaking out loud to himself as he stared at the red bolded text flashing back at him from his computer screen. He cackled again as he wiped tears of mirth from his eyes.

"I didn't think you'd take me so seriously! As if I'd want to know something disgusting like that about Shizu-chan. Humans are so interesting~! Well, although it's debatable whether you fall into that category as of yet. Still. You're a source of amusement, as always."

The informant frowned. Now he had nothing to do. Looking at the clock, he stared at the time: 2:00am.

He sighed. He wasn't tired at all.

"Well, I suppose I could finish some of that work Shiki wanted me to do..."

He had only been typing for about 10 minutes when he found himself staring at the clock again. For some reason, he was feeling very annoyed and couldn't focus at all. Rubbing his eyes, he expressed his frustrations to the empty room.

"But...I wonder. What if he really _did_ know that little detail about Shizu-chan?"

2:15am

"Impossible. He had to have been bluffing as well."

2:20am

"Then again, to play devil's advocate...he never has been wrong or lied about anything before, especially when offered money. Going by Occam's razor, he was simply withholding the information. But then....How? How in the world would he know something like _that_?"

2:25am

"No. He has to be messing with me-! I'm sure he's sitting in front of his monitor right now, smirking away at the thought of how he got one over on me. That smug bastard!"

2:30am

Izaya slammed a tight fist so hard on his desk that his monitor shook and some papers fell to the floor. He stood up from his chair and hurriedly grabbed his fur jacket.

"Thinks he knows more than me, I'll show him! I'll just have to find out for myself!"

Immediately he made a beeline for the door, but then a thought came to him that made him turn around and walk stiffly in the direction of his bathroom. Looking around his apartment warily as if he was being watched, he grabbed a small tube of liquid from his medicine cabinet and slipped it into his coat pocket, where it sat rather heavily upon his conscience next to the comforting weight of his knife. Cheeks burning, he mumbled out loud one last time.

"Just going to...get this sorted out. Yeah. For the sake of information." 

Ruby eyes narrowed in determination, and with a few quick strides the informant set out into the night towards Ikebukuro.

Sometimes, sacrifices just had to be made in the shitty world of being an informant.

**Author's Note:**

> Jokes on you, Izaya.
> 
> I just had my wisdom teeth taken out, so therefore I am claiming no responsibility and that this is the direct result of taking too many painkillers. Yup.


End file.
